Step 1...

I went to Bay to Breakers last weekend. I didn't walk much of the course but I saw every runner and walker pass. It was pretty early in the morning so I probably missed out on some of the craziness that happened in the park but I think I got a good taste of the spectacle. There were some good stuff and some bad stuff, with a lot of drunken madness in between. Here's a rundown of the lamest and coolest themes/costumes I saw:

Lamest of the Lame:

5. The Garbage Crew. These guys wouldn't have been so bad if one frail-looking, drunk girl wasn't constantly screaming, "Reduce, reuse, recycle, get trashed!!!" They posted up in front of Thomas and me for about 20 minutes and this wacko was yelling at the top of her lungs at anyone who was too polite to ignore her. Anyway, the costumes ranged from full-on, official garbageman jumpsuits to half-ass sweatpants and dirty t-shirt ensembles. They were pushing around a garbage bin filled with beer but even that couldn't save them from being one of the lamest of the lame.

4. Girls Gone (Not) Wild. Several groups of hot chicks were dressed up in sports bras and skimpy shorts with cardboard signs over their naughty bits that said, "Censored". I guess it was a little creative but definitely not for this event. There are naked people all around at Bay to Breakers! Come on, they should have worn those costumes to their middle school brother's Halloween dance instead. Don't they realize they could just have gone entirely nude and it would have been more true to the "Girls Gone Wild" theme?

3. Pirates. There were at least 4 different groups of pirates and all of them were obnoxious and unoriginal.

2. Dick in a Box. Yeah, the skit was funny but it was also probably the most obvious choice for a costume this year. At least if you are going to do it, do it right. I saw not one Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa-themed costume. Most of the people weren't even wearing 80's suits. Way to take a played-out idea and put in the least amount of effort as possible and I'm talking to all 200 of you.

1. Naked old men. For the tenth year running, naked old men were the lamest costumes ever, for obvious reasons. I don't even think old women or old gay men want to see all those wrinkles...

And now, the Coolest of the Cool:

5. Bananas. Sure, there were a lot of bananas but there's something funny about seeing a group of large yellow fruit run by in a line. There were a couple different banana groups but no where near the number of pirates. And bonus points goes to the banana costume for the group of topless young ladies with yellow body paint, moving against the traffic.

4. Never-nudes. Probably lost to most of the crowd, the Never-nudes were straight from Arrested Development. They automatically get ten cool points for that. Most of the never-nudes were dressed appropriately in short, cut-off jean shorts, just like the short-lived tv show. In every other possible situation, cut-off jean shorts are entirely unacceptable but the Never-nudes represented well.

3. The Wild Goose Chase. There was a crazy lady chasing around a giant goose. What's not funny about that? The goose costume was legit and the lady was, for some unknown reason, dressed like a genie (I think). I wanted to take away cool points for the lady's get-up but at least she had a huge net which she kept swinging at the goose. Every few minutes the goose would get tired and take off his head to have some beer. It was twice as funny seeing this and it probably had a lot to do with how tired the guy looked from running around with a giant costume on.

2. Synchronized Swimmers. A group of old ladies were dressed up as synchronized swimmers. They were spinning circles and jazz-handing their way down the street. It was pretty funny and impressive. It all looked very well choreographed and they didn't splash at all.

1. The Aquarium. Maybe it's because I like aquariums but this one was the absolute best. It consisted of a big black PVC pipe frame with blue mesh draped over it. Inside, people were dressed up as fish and they were walking back and forth as the frame moved down the street. Incredibly creative and well executed, this one blew the others out of the water.

NOTE: A few of my friends participated in the Faber to Breakers Animal House toga party. It was cool but it didn't make the cut because there were so many different colored togas that it looked like a bunch of separate groups as opposed to one huge toga party. The deathmobile was really, really cool (it had more than 15 kegs hidden inside and it had the largest sound system of any float, complete with a DJ booth that towered over the crowd) and it obviously had a lot of work put into it. Maybe I'm just being picky but with such a well-done float, it's a shame the toga partiers didn't live up to it by all dressing up in white...

So that was my best and worst (for the most part) of this year's Bay to Breakers. I'll post some pictures when I get a chance.